She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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