Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize