So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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