I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
