ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
