If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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