JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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