i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
