mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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