Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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