my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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