My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
please come you make the beer taste better
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
