literally had 100 drinks last night.
My balls are so social today.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
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