just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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