The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
my shit smells like andre
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Mom said you looked used
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
