last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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