I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
