I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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