life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Please, let me fuck your mom
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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