I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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