maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
