All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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