he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
