she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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