I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
