yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
