Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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