I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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