Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
