Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I woke up under a house in Key West
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