I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
