no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
