we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
