my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
