i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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