i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Randomize
