see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
