I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Drunk is not a location!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
