none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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