foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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