Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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