It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
