Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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