I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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