I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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