who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
