i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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