It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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