Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
