Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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