i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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