Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
