Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
