Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
