things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
