it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
