i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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