wat bout pragnant strippers??
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
